apparently, johanna and i do not know how to properly use our shower.
our landlord, hussein, is convinced water is sneaking past two shower curtains, traveling across our bathroom floor, penetrating the vanity, penetrating the tile floor, traveling downstairs and ruining the ceiling in the bathroom.
four months ago, i suggested to hussein—if he believed in the “faulty shower curtain” hypothesis—he should buy a glass door for the shower and i would install it. he refused.
so today i get a half-legible text from hussein. i think he was threatening to terminate our lease. so to clarify, i called him. he said, unless we learn how to take a shower properly, he would have to evict us.
he wasn’t happy when i laughed. he wasn’t happy when i tried reason. he wasn’t happy when i yelled. what would make hussein happy? money. of course. he wants me to give him money. more money. money because i do not know how to take a shower. apparently.
so, before i lost my mind, i decided to test hussein’s hypothesis.
after work, i removed the kick-plate on the vanity to check to see if there was any water damage under it. one would think this would be the first place one would look. hussein hasn’t. there was no water damage.
next i placed a dry towel in-between the vanity and the shower. if the curtain was a problem, water would accumulate on the towel. no brainer. after running the shower for 15 minutes, i checked the towel. no water.
i filmed it. i filmed the fact there was no proper evidence the downstairs’ ceiling is damaged because i do not know how to shower.
perhaps hussein wants to come over and show us how to take a proper shower?
or perhaps he should find a proper plumber.
i have never been evicted from an apartment. and if, in a few months, i were to tell you that i was evicted because i took a shower, you probably would’t fucking believe me.
i might be paying taxes these days. i might have health insurance. paid vacations. short hair. but certainly my shower habits haven’t changed. and this incident is only further proof: we should all smell a little more like ourselves.